How to Stop Our Fear-Based Stories and Improve Our Life Experiences

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Lake Michigan with my Wisconsin-native hubby

I first learned about metacognition in the early 90’s when I was in graduate school at The University of North Carolina – Chapel Hill. My master’s degree is in Speech-Language Pathology which means that in addition to learning about speech and language, I have studied cognitive (thinking) skills extensively.

Metacognition is the ability to think about what we are thinking about. It is the high-level thinking skill which allows us to be aware our thoughts. Originally this was deemed a human skill but there are some other animals who show signs of metacognition.

My ability to think about what I am thinking about became a large part of my hope and healing last summer/fall. I was quite sick and felt extremely discouraged after nearly 17 years of dealing with crohn’s disease, chronic migraines, leukemia and now immunodeficiency due to chemotherapy.

Because I am allergic to the medical treatment for immunodeficiency, I am left piecing together good hygiene with what has felt to be a very limited amount of immune-boosting agents in an attempt to protect myself from infections, viruses, and even common bacteria.

This is not something I ever imagined would be my life experience. I never anticipated that I would beat cancer only to have a future that can feel bleak and hemmed in by isolation due to immunodeficiency. The chemotherapy I take put leukemia into remission, but I have to stay on it to stay in remission. With leukemia back in remission, I feel great. However, loneliness, repeat infections and a complete upheaval from regular socialization left me grief stricken and fearful from 2015-2017.

It is scary to have a paper thin immune system with nothing sizeable to provide backup support other than my faith in a healing God. I feel like I am falling backward with nobody there to catch me. In addition, my body does not fight incoming germs with typical defense mechanisms such as fevers. This means that I can be getting very sick without the symptoms until I am severely infected.

This is both physically miserable and frankly terrifying.

Last summer I found The Work of Byron Katie. Through her work, I came to understand that much of our life experience is not the actual events that occur in our day but it is how we perceive things to be happening.  According to Katie, our minds create stories based on past experiences and emotions combined with future expectations. And if we are not cognizant of our thought process those stories can be daunting during times of duress.

Katie proposes that we create stories in our mind by marrying the memories and emotions of our past with what we imagine to be our future. These thoughts pull us out of the present moment into an experience that is emotionally charged and filled with images that are not our current reality.

Neuroscientist Dr. Joe Dispenza explains that during stressful times our minds create images of our future in the worst possible outcome as a survival mechanism. This is a subconscious method in which our mind attempts to keep us alive, by preparing for the worst. However in reality most of those worst case scenarios never happen.

Last summer I was too sick to take healing walks through nature so I literally wrapped blankets around myself and shuffled back and forth on our back porch soaking up healing rays of vitamin D. I listened to Byron Katie for hours each day and learned how to stop the scary thoughts that bound me.

Over the past 17 years, I have gone through horrifying experiences because of health crises. These experiences provide me a with a very strong, emotionally charged past. That combined with future images of the worst possible outcome sets me up for my mind to create some profoundly sad and frightening thoughts about my life experience.

I reached a new level of hope and peace when I learned how to stop letting my thoughts race back and forth between the past and possible future events; when I learned how to live in the present moment. This required me to first practice metacognition — to think about what I am thinking about. I then went through exercises to stop the past/future thoughts and stay in the present moment.

Since then my fear and grief levels have largely subsided leaving hope and joy in their place.

You don’t have to have immunodeficiency or even leukemia to experience the scary thoughts. You just have to be human, this is what we tend to do unless we teach our minds to stay in the present moment.

I have learned a lot through illness over the years. This is a lesson I wish I had learned before I ever got sick. You can apply these strategies to finance, work, relationships in addition to health and experience a much more peaceful, positive life experience.

“God designed humans to observe our own thoughts, catch those that are bad, and get rid of them.”  

–Dr. Caroline Leaf

 


Kicking off 2018: Happy, Healthy & Resilient

“Even if happiness forgets you a little bit, never completely forget about it.”

– Jacques Prevert

Christmas Day 2017

Christmas Day 2017: Happy, Healthy and Resilient

It is early January and we are wrapping up a dazzling holiday season. For the first time in 4 years I was completely healthy; we were able to go to parties, dine out and even travel.

2014-2017 were almost unbearable. I was home more than 80% of the time fighting leukemia and then immunodeficiency.The days were long and family bolstered my heavy heart reminding me that better times were ahead.

During a time when it seemed that happiness had forgotten me in a much bigger, more agonizing way than ever before, my family refused to let me to forget happiness. 

The silver lining of life’s hard times is that we learn so much through them. 2014-2017 were rife with lessons that I have yet to fully unpack.

One of the fundamental lessons the recent years taught me is the role of mindset in determining our life experience. 

Going into 2014, I thought I understood mindset…

It seemed that years of hospitalizations and procedures for crohn’s disease and leukemia had taught me how to focus my thoughts, how to foster hope when circumstances looked bleak.

I never imagined that I would beat cancer and then be constrained to stay home for years because my immune system was deficient from chemotherapy. Outside of a miracle I will be on that chemotherapy for the rest of my life. To make the situation more dire, I am highly allergicto the only medical treatment available for this type of immunodeficiency.

I have felt completely hopeless and trapped.

Neurologists, psychologists and other specialists who study cognition estimate that between 75-95% of our thoughts are repetitive and that 80-90% of our thoughts are negative. These statistics include everyone; as in people who are out and about in society with all of its distractions. Being at home, feeling profoundly isolated, has demanded that I create systems to take my thoughts captive, to practice mindfulness so that I can move forward and heal instead of staying stuck in sadness.

In addition to developing mindfulness skills, I have become much more attuned to what my body is asking of me and honoring its requests.

I am aware that my body is at a turning point, I can sense that 2018 will be a year of change and that miracles are ahead for me.

I am equally aware that of the role I play in creating space for healing to take place. I am releasing some activities to immerse myself in actives that directly boost my immune system.

The biggest thing that I am letting go of is the Beautycounter business I had for the past 1-1/2 years. I am deeply honored that people believed in me enough to support my business. If you are one of those people, thank you from the bottom of my heart.

I recognize that it is time for me to direct the energy I was using to run that business toward boosting my immune system.

A handful of the actions I take to boost my immune system (some of these are already in practice and some are new)

  • Cooking nutrient dense meals
  • Take EnteraGam — a prescription medical food supplying me with Immunoglobulins (more in a future post)
  • Writing daily
  • Daily exercise
  • Increase social opportunities in small groups or outside (less germ exposure)
  • No screen time 1-2 hours before bed
  • Daily positive podcasts
  • Less time on Facebook because I am spending more time on Instagram(I limit the amount of time I spend on social media)
  • Read more books and less mindless scrolling through social media or emails
  • Currently going through Dr. Caroline Leaf’sSwitch On Your Brain: The Key to Peak Happiness, Thinking, and Health and will do other mindfulness exercises this year

I thought you might enjoy a quick glance at the pictures below. God has brought me through so much these past few years.

Thank you for the support you have given me these past 3 years. It has been intense and I am not sure I could have made it through without you.

I wish each of you a Happy and Healthy New Year

bone marrow room

 

January 10, 2015: the 6th of 7 bone marrow biopsies/aspirations I have had. This was the most painful and traumatic of the 7. It was a crushing day. I later found out that leukemia had relapse.

 

bronchoscopy january 2015

 

 

 

January 18, 2016: After a prolonged, severe respiratory infection I had a bronchospy to rule out some scary stuff. This was such a sad time.

 

January 4, 2017

January 4, 2017 I was officially diagnosed with Immunodeficiency from chemotherapy. Life Altering and crushing.

 

Christmas at Fishers Perdido Key 2017

Happy, Healthy and Resilient the Hubs and I got to travel to the beach during Christmas of 2017!


Sometimes God Really Does Speak…

 

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I focused on BETTER DAYS when I was sick like our wedding anniversary at the North GA Wineries

 

I woke up early Thanksgiving morning and wrote a blog post giving thanks to God for healing me. Later that day I started to feel chilled and crummy.  Really? Really God?

Friday we were supposed to have my husband’s kids and grand kids over to celebrate Thanksgiving; instead I donned a hospital mask and The Hubs and I headed to urgent care.

My heart was on the floor

During the month of October I consistently wore hospital masks when I went out in public to protect myself against the bugs because I have developed immunodeficiency from chemotherapy.

 

Mask

NOT my favorite look

 

Yet despite the precautions I took, there we sat. If this had been an isolated event my spirit would not have been crushed but I have been in and out of hospitals and ER’s for 16 years.

The past few weeks were a blur of blue lips, inhalers, antibiotics, steroids and sleeping with my Bible in my bed. It was incredibly difficult to breathe and I wondered if this was the end of my journey.

My husband, parents and sister’s family poured life giving words over me. I forced myself to press into gratitude for seemingly small things: the soft blanket my sister gave me 2 years ago, the pretty trees outside our window, our dog, our peaceful home, my family’s unconditional love.

One night I threw a magnificent pity party for myself. I sat in our bed with my journal and Bible in my lap, tears streaming down my face and cried out to God. And this time I heard His voice in reply. It was not an audible voice but it was clear and spoke directly to my heart, not the words I would have picked.

I cried something along the woeful lines of “all these years my friends have grown families and careers and the only thing that has been consistent in my life is that I have been sick for 16 years”...

I heard “And I have been there”.

I got quiet because, well I wanted to wallow in pity and what do you say when you hear that truth bomb?

I was like “well yes, but still…”

I heard “And your family has been there” “And you have had shelter”.

I smiled faintly and said, “OK. You win”.

Then I curled up with my Bible and went to sleep.

It was not smooth sailing after that night. In fact the weeks were riddled with complication and heartbreak as I crawled through mud to regain health.

I often think of those words God gave me that night to calm my broken heart. Immunodeficiency with no end in sight does not seem fair and it can feel frightening. But those words were peaceful, true and gentle in the midst of my distress.

My goal was to be well by Christmas and I am happy to say that I will meet that goal. I am also believing big for miracles in 2018.

*For the record — the past 16 years have actually been filled with incredible experiences. Yes illness has been a part of my story, but not all of it.

“Call upon Me in your day of trouble; I shall rescue you, and you will honor Me.”

–Psalm 50:15

 


A Thanksgiving Miracle

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It is Thanksgiving morning. I woke early and padded out of our bedroom quietly in hopes of writing before my early rising Hubs wakes because today is my very favorite.

Thanksgiving is the day when all the things, the leaves, the foods, the home decor are gold, orange, warm and glowy. 

There are 2 nights in my life when God has healed me. No I did not recover completely but He touched me. There was a shift in which I went from severe pain to no pain, from being unable to eat regular food to being able to eat solids. Both of these preceded Thanksgiving.

The medical term for what I experienced is “Spontaneous Remission”, I call it a miracle.

I realize that not everyone who reads my blog believes in God but I hope that as you read this post you might open your thoughts to the idea that there is something bigger out there because what I experienced is real. Plain and simple, these things happened. And to be honest, that reality gives us hope in a messy broken world.

In both cases I was so far beyond what I could handle. In both cases I cried out to God with a completely shattered heart. In fact, in both instances I was so far past my limit that I felt He had forgotten me.

The first time I was 29. I had spent the majority of that summer in the hospital due to a profound onset of Crohn’s disease. I was brave that summer and believed big for healing in the face of excruciating pain. I was fed through a line in my heart and all the days were lonely.

I frequently sat alone at midnight in the cold sterile hospital room, journal in hand trying to make sense of my unthinkable situation. One night I sat with my Bible and journal in sheer heartbreak. I cried out in grief to God. I told Him that I was absolutely at the end, I could go no further, that I needed something, some sign that He cared.

That night a nurse I did not know came into my room and asked if she could pray for me. I collapsed into her arms in tears as she prayed over me. The next morning the nurse was gone and my body felt different. I knew I had been touched by God overnight. For the first time in months I was not in horrific pain. To make that morning even more abnormal, my doctor discharged me home. 

My recent experience with the healing touch of God is similar. I have been fighting a Crohn’s flare since September. The months have been dark, shrouded in pain and hopelessness. My family and I have been back and forth to specialists and hospitals. We frequently wondered if I was going to be admitted.

About a week ago I curled up in our bed with my Bible and journal. I have been acutley aware of how abnormal my past 16 years have been due to ongoing illness and I have felt a mix of humiliation, loss and anger.

The other night I told God that for the first time in my 16 year quest for healing I could feel myself growing bitter and I don’t want that to happen. I begged God for some sign that He sees me, that He has some plan for my life and then I curled up and went to sleep with my Bible in my arms.

The next morning I woke up and my body felt different; I was no longer in pain. As I made our bed my thoughts drifted back to the night when God touched me in 2001. That same peace washed over me and I knew it had happened again. As the morning progressed I found that I was able to eat solid food for the first time in a couple of months and I have been on a steady trajectory forward ever since that night.

Some years the holidays are extra glowy. Today my family will gather and we will have that same feeling we had on Thanksgiving in 2001, when everything seems to be falling back together after it all came undone.

If today is a hard day for you a couple of things that are helpful to me:

  • Get outside — force yourself
  • Check out The Work of Byron Katie
  • Keep putting one foot in front of the other, no matter how hard it is, force yourself
  • Distract yourself with fluffy “feel good” movies or books because this hard time will pass you just need to get through it
  • Every day find 1 thing to be thankful for — even if it is as simple as a blanket

Luke 8:42-47

As Jesus was on his way, the crowds almost crushed him. 

And a woman was there who had been subject to bleeding for twelve years,c but no one could heal her. 

She came up behind him and touched the edge of his cloak, and immediately her bleeding stopped.

“Who touched me?” Jesus asked.

When they all denied it, Peter said, “Master, the people are crowding and pressing against you.”

But Jesus said, “Someone touched me; I know that power has gone out from me.”

Then the woman, seeing that she could not go unnoticed, came trembling and fell at his feet. In the presence of all the people, she told why she had touched him and how she had been instantly healed. 

Then he said to her, “Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace.”


Happy, Happy Thanksgiving

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Autumn Gold Leaves — JGB

It has been 4 months since my last blog-post.

We celebrate Thanksgiving this week and I am completely healthy.

Two years ago the Hubs and I had just purchased our first house together and I had a leukemia relapse. One year ago I developed a drug-resistant bronchitis/pneumonia which led to a bronchoscopy and a failed IVIG treatment.

Those years blistered with pain and heartache. Each person in our family carried a broken heart. 

This year is different. We are happy, we are healed. We are in a season of goodness and celebration!

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Chris and Jessica Historic Roswell

Last summer I got healthy again and had a very hard time moving forward. I did not know what to do because, what do you do when your life has been thrown so far from center for such a long time? Though it sounds simple, finding yourself and moving forward after life altering crises is actually quite challenging.

In my experience unplugging, taking lots of healing walks, praying, listening to positive podcasts, allowing myself to cry and ask why are necessary steps in moving forward.

When I got sick in 2001 I did not understand any of it. I loved my life prior to illness and I played by the rules. Though I was young and certainly  made immature decisions (aka “mistakes”), I was a compassionate and loving person who had a committed relationship to God. I had worked so hard for a career that was budding in my early 20’s. It made no sense that my world would collapse due to illness.

From the very beginning of my journey I prayed that God would use my story to encourage other people who are hurting. I understood that if my life could turn on a dime so could the lives of millions. I hoped that God would put a purpose to the pain I went through because…well, don’t we all want some purpose to come from the most defining moments of our lives?

15 years later, hurting people are inspired by my story and seek me out for suggestions because they are where I once was. This role brings with it much more weight and humility than I ever imagined it would.

As I type this post I have precious people in my mind who are facing mountains, their world is upside down, their families are hurting. My spirit hurts for them and while I cannot provide perfect words to soothe them I do know that healing happens in baby steps and God is faithful.

3 weeks ago during one of my healing walks, our pup and I came across a bench that took me back to younger years. It looked like a bench I would have spent time at when as a camper or a camp counselor. Then God brought to mind the verse I have clung to through the brilliant and brutal times of my life.

“The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.” — Deuteronomy 31:8

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Reflections — JGB

He is always right here with me and during the darkest times He picks me up and holds me extra close.

To those of you who are hurting this Thanksgiving, I pray that you can hold on to the hope that what you are facing today will not last forever. Cling to positive words and find strength in gratitude which has been a healing tool in my life.

You can find most of my writings, recipes and follow along with me as I do my best to live a healing lifestyle at my Instagram account dedicated to The Feel Good Days.

Happy Thanksgiving!


Mourning Has Broken

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Last spring my oncologist predicted that summer would be an easy season for me. While I finalized paperwork from the previous school year I imagined lazy days spent poolside reading novels, kayaking with hubby, cooking yummy meals. I was so excited to get back to writing and blogging.

Yet, before any of the fun could begin I had to come undone. And by undone I mean ugly tears and questions of why.

Over the past 15 years, I have not asked God “why” very many times. But this summer, I sat in puddles of tears and shamelessly cried out for answers.

I have spent 9 of my past 15 years either hospitalized or severely sick with Crohn’s disease or leukemia. That does not include the horrific migraines or striving for mental wellness through these years of adversity.

After an intense 1-1/2 year battle for my health, the first 6 weeks of summer demanded that I heal emotionally.

I took our dog for long walks and slowly found my heartbeat again. I frequently unplugged from social media to still my mind. I limited the amount of news I watched or read because I was too raw to process mass amounts of sadness or fear. I listened to a positive podcast everyday to fill my mind with inspiration and goodness. I talked to confidants and professionals who helped me find a way through the pain, people who could listen without judgment, and gracious they are hard to find but God does supply them.

I have gone through emotional recovery after severe illness multiple times over the past 15 years. You would think I would be a genius at this by now. However, there are some things that I just don’t think we get better at, mourning over loss being one of them.

It hurts horrifically to have illness uproot your life. It is hard to reconcile damages done. I do think the one thing I have gotten better at is recognizing that I am going through stages of healing and that I will come through them but the pain and heartache, the tears remain guttural.

I did not think I would get sick again in my 40’s. The recent leukemia relapse was just as unexpected as the other medical crises that upended my life.

I had hoped my 40’s would be a new decade filled with health.  Relapsing in my early 40’s was such a disappointment. I had hoped for a long stretch of uncomplicated days.

19 months after it all started, I am finally better both physically and emotionally.

A few weeks ago our dog and I were in the kitchen when my husband walked in the door after work. Jackson ran over for a pat on the head and then I hugged hubby tightly. I thanked him for standing with me through the grieving season because it was dark and I know that it required much of him. I told him that the grieving, the mourning, the crying is over.

When we got married 6 years, 10 months ago neither of us anticipated that we would be challenged so early in our marriage. I am incredibly proud of my husband and our marriage. We made it through a fierce storm together. And, by the Grace of God, We are entering a new season.


Breathing Easy

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2 weeks ago, flanked by my husband and father, I went to the Pulmonologist. We had an early morning appointment to get the results from my bronchoscopy.

I was braced to hear hard words from the doctor. I had prepared myself to get a sad report and then muster strength, look for the silver lining and find a way to turn it into good news.

The reason I was in that frame of mind is because that is what Crohn’s Disease, Chronic Migraines and Leukemia have forced me to do for the majority of my adult life.

Looking back over the years, I have been courageous.

Tuesday morning, I was granted a pass. The lung specialist came into our room and did what he probably enjoys doing most: he told me that all 11 biopsies revealed healthy lung tissue. Healthy.

I am writing this blog post early on a Saturday morning. Tears spilled over my cheeks as I typed the word: Healthy.

To be fair, part of the reason for the tears is because I am listening to Adele and it is a confirmed fact that Adele makes people cry.

But Come ON:

…after 15+ years of repeatedly being thrown into hospital beds, excruciating pain, Emergency Rooms, scary diagnoses, frightening procedures…

…after cheering friends’ childbirths while trying to make sense of my childless life riddled by words such as “profoundly ill, hemorrhage, too young for this, blood transfusions, stat, cancer, potential complications, no other options”…

…to hear the word: “Healthy”…

Cue Adele, dammit and let your heart explode!

Cry the kind of tears you cry when All that Was Wrong is Suddenly Right, and it may not make sense, but it Just IS.

I have been breathing easily ever since we left the office of the Pulmonologist 2 weeks ago: off all antibiotics, steroids, inhalers.

It is if as the respiratory complications that crushed me from November-January never  happened.

God still works miracles. Most often they don’t seem to match our timeline and in so many ways they don’t even seem fair in this world where too many people suffer horrifically.

However, occasionally, He pulls back the veil and allows us to witness something truly magnificent which goes without explanation. I thank Him for choosing me this time.


Instagram for Support: Tips for Finding Your Healing Community

1000 followers

Monday my number of Instagram followers went over 1,000. That made me pause and reflect on where I was when I started this account and where I am today.

I started the account last May. At the time I was recovering from a leukemia relapse, I was on a new diet to help my immune system and my spirit was absolutely crushed. Last year’s relapse coupled with the difficulties I had on my new chemotherapy had beaten me harshly.

Despite an amazing amount of love from my husband, family and some treasured friends, I felt gravely alone.

In order to survive, I knew that I needed to connect with people who understood what I was experiencing and feeling.

Instagram is a social media platform, it is a gathering place online. I understood that I could use the hashtag symbol to find people who use Instagram with similar interests as mine. I also understood that friends on my personal Instagram account would not understand my posts about food and health all day, every day. I would not understand either, had I never gotten so sick.

However, when you live with illnesses such as Crohn’s disease, leukemia and chronic migraines it kind of makes sense that your Instagram posts will include a lot of celebratory moments and strategies that you use to overcome daily hurtles.

By creating a separate account dedicated to my health, I created an environment where I could share those images with people who also really understand the awesomeness that comes from learning how to beat an illness.

I named my health-related account after my blog and began to connect with people who follow healing diets to improve autoimmune conditions, I learned how to cook nutrient-dense meals, I met other cancer survivors with similar stories as mine and I have many other people who battle migraines.

Everyday I learn new tips for staying healthy while living with the chronic conditions. Likewise, I have been able to share lessons that I gleaned from the past two decades.

My Instagram community has made me feel loved and accepted, not judged.

Healing comes through community.

And the courage to fight cruel disease can be sparked by compassionate words such as “me too, I understand, this is what helped me”.

As funny as it sounds, God used Instagram to heal my broken heart. Today I am strong again. I am filled with passion for life and I cherish my Instagram community.

I encourage anyone who struggles with illness to search Instagram for possible support and education. You simply type the name of illness, side effects, special diet, etc. directly after the hashtag symbol. Examples include: #Crohns, #PaleoForCrohns #MigraineWarrior #LeukemiaSurvivor and of course, one of my favorites, #GratititudeAttitude.

#Peace #Love #Heal


Peace During Times of Fear

peace in present

I learned to find peace through being Present during times when I faced pain, uncertainty and fear due to hospitalizations, Crohn’s disease and leukemia.

This lesson helps me through life’s frightening moments.

Right now high levels of fear and sadness prevail across the world due to recent tragedies and scary news of what may happen next.

I encourage you to remember that as long as there is life, beauty exists.

You may have to search hard to find that beauty but it’s there: in the sky, autumn leaves falling, a favorite song.

In order to find life’s beauty we must be Present in our own lives.

I am not suggesting that we abandon all news but I do recommend taking a break to breathe and find the goodness in your personal space.

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.”

 John 14:27


Remission from Leukemia

pumpkin patch

Every fall, when autumn leaves offer warm shades of gold, red and orange, nostalgia drapes over me.

The fall breeze carries memories from shared moments with friends decades ago, as though they happened yesterday. It is with happiness in my heart, not sadness, that I reminisce and feel gratitude that we got to share that moment in time, those days, those belly laughs.

Today has been one of those perfect fall days. Even better it follows a day of wonderful news: yesterday I found out that I am officially in remission from leukemia.

My good news has sunk in slowly and maybe that is the reason that today has felt so completely fabulous, filled with gratitude for all the love that is in my life, and ever has been in my life.

Ironically, the official news of remission has been sitting on my office desk in front of my face for a week. It came in an envelope from the oncologist. The return address on the envelope was, of course, from the hospital. Being that I had a leukemia relapse last year, we get hospital bills by the dozens these days and I just did not feel like opening this one. We typically look over bills during the weekend so I allowed this one to sit on my desk all week.

Yesterday morning I was sipping on some coffee and decided to bite the bullet and open the bill. Instead of a bill, my labs from the oncologist came out with the words “not detected” and the oncologist had drawn a smiley face beside the absence of the leukemia marker 🙂

I stared at the page and tried to make sense of it all:

  1. I put my coffee down
  2. I re-checked the envelope for a bill
  3. No there was no bill, this was merely a lab
  4. I re-read the lab: It was only the report of the Absense of the leukemia marker
  5. The report did read “not detected”
  6. My oncologist did draw a smiley face
  7. I smiled and sat alone in my office and thought about how last year when I got the page that said “detected” it was written in all bold, all capital letters and this time, the letters were not bold, nor capital—-> and I thought that it is a shame because this news is every bit as important
  8. Then I went back to work

Seriously, a bit underwhelming after such a cruel and challenging year of relapse. I think I was just in shock. I felt very happy but I did not call my husband, I did not contact my family, I did not text anyone, I did not post the news. I just sat in silence with my happiness. I never sit with silence (anyone who knows me, or reads this blog, knows that).

But maybe that is where life’s big moments make us act unlike ourselves? Because yesterday’s news, and that moment, was tremendous for me.

I actually did not even mention my remission news to my husband last night when I saw him. The celebration started when I was responding to a friend on an email. She asked how I am doing and I told her, simple as that, it became real. And then I ended the email and I told my husband and he was so happy 🙂

And then this morning I sent a big text to my family and everyone is so happy ❤

And now I am writing the blog post that we all prayed for last year.

And it has almost been a full year.

Last year was unexpected and cruel. At the same time, it was not as cruel as it could have been and I thank God for that. I don’t understand why “bad things happen to good people” and there is that part of me that is now working through survivor’s guilt because there are so many people going through horrific situations right this second.

Last year wrecked me. My 30’s had been a long decade of illness and hospitalizations. My 40’s are new and I did not anticipate a relapse of leukemia at 42. It was not supposed to happen again in my 40’s.

Last year was the 3rd time in the past 14 years that my health has completely crumbled despite my attempts to stay well. And that is a horrible feeling. There is nothing like it, there is no way to describe how it feels to have every “normal” part of life swiped away and it can happen so fast.

When I had leukemia the first time back in 2007, I remember telling my dad “everybody says that thing about how they could walk outside and be hit by a car tomorrow, but they don’t understand what feels like to be so sick that they might actually die”. And I stand by that statement because even now, after being severely ill 3 times in my life, I am starting to forget how fragile all of it felt.

I do know that when I was sick, most of the things that seem important did not matter at all. The things that mattered: Unconditional Love, the ability to be non-judgmental, the ability to be supportive without judgment, the ability to show up, the ability to believe in someone even at their breaking point, the reality that silence hurts more deeply than you can imagine.

I am fiercely proud of the man I married. When we got married 6 years ago, he knew that he was marrying a woman with a history of leukemia and he knew that there was a chance it could relapse. But there is no understanding “potential for relapse” until you are in the middle of it. He loved me through every second and it was ugly, scary, sad, gross. In the movies the producers romanticize illness with music to soften the gross scenes and they show the passage of time in short clips so it is fast; but in real life, there is no romantic music in the background and if anything, the gross moments are so cold and painful that they seem eternal and isolating.

I love him ❤

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I am humbled by the amount of unconditional love and support of my parents give to me and to my husband. I am grateful that God directed our steps to buy a cozy house that is literally around the corner from them a few months before my relapse. My heart is full of love exponential when I think of the meals they brought to us and the prayers they prayed; and for the moments that they showed up here, at our house with strength when they were probably crumbling inside, but they knew I needed to see strength in them. And my heart breaks with love when I think of the many times that they have pleaded with God for their daughter’s life.

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My heart absolutely overflows with love and devotion for my sister and her doe-like eyes. She has always been the one who can sit in silence and listen. I have still-framed memories of us together over the past 14 years during my health battles. Once again, she showed up to listen again with compassion. I also cherish the memory of holding one another’s hands when the nurse drew her blood to find out if she is a match for me should I need a bone marrow transplant (I pray I never do). She is the person I can laugh and cry with, all in one session, the one who totally understands me and loves me. She is my best friend ❤

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I am grateful for my brother-in-law, and with that I pause because he lost his sister to cancer and I often feel a sense of survivor’s guilt that she is not still with us. And I recognized that he has had to work through incredible pain at the loss of her; I am amazed that he has never allowed feelings of jealousy or resentment to accidentally be directed toward me because I think that it would be easy to do that. Instead, he has always reached out in love and joined my sister in supporting me. He is the brother I did not have as a child.

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My heart is filled with love and affection (like a huge heart emoji) for my niece and nephew. They both know that they play a tremendous role in my life. They have had to worry about health crises with people they love entirely too much during their youth. It means so much to me that they know how to show up, hold my hand and give me warm hugs. They know how to pray for me and how to love me and how to trust that I will heal. They know that the very best medicine is to make their Aunt laugh, and they do that ❤

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I am filled with love and gratitude for the way that my aunt, uncle, cousins and grandmother stayed in the fight for me with their prayers, text messages and emails. They have loved me unconditionally through the tough moments, and brought us the gift of laughter and resilience.

I am grateful for the special things that the family I married into did to show support and love for me.

I am grateful for friendships that were rekindled after decades and for new friendships that were formed over the past year.

Thank you so much to every single person who read my story, who prayed for me, who thought of me, who reached out to me. I pray that God pours special blessings out to you for what you did to me.

I once wrote a blog post about the word redemption and how illness has given me a new appreciation for the word because God has repeatedly redeemed what seemed like my world falling apart for something more beautiful.

I like to end my blog posts with songs and I think that the song My Redeemer Lives is appropriate for this post. I am so happy to be in remission.

To New Beginnings ❤